listen, just rent my room already

the room is no longer available, but on the 29th of the month, i posted this desperate plea for roommates on craigslist…. 5 minutes later i changed it to something cutesy. but my complete honesty is immortalized here, for you:

it’s too late in the game to waste our time on pleasantries. looking for a room/roommate this late in the month is like when it’s 3:30 a.m. and the bar is emptying out and you go up to someone, ANYONE, and ask them if they want to do it. it doesn’t matter if they have a snaggletooth, pit hair, or body odor. DO THEY WANT TO DO IT? YES OR NO?!

let’s get down to brass tacks. i’m looking for a roommate for 1 bedroom in my 3 bedroom loft off the montrose L for june 1. the rent is $850 plus utilities. first and security to move in. this ad is like a choose your own adventure novel. if the previous sentences intrigue you, go on to the next paragraph. if they don’t, hit the back button and read another ad. (lots of mixed metaphors right up top, huh?)

the apartment is basically a yuppie condo. it’s a duplex, there are marble countertops, new appliances, hardwood floors, central air/heat, 20ish foot ceilings, a deep bathtub, a roof deck, and a backyard. amenities out the butthole. it’s one of those new McCondo buildings going up all over williamsburg that you look at and think, “what kind of club-going, techno-listening, manhattan scum would rent that place?”

well, i would. and i am none of the above. i am in my late 20s, a yoga teacher, i have several tattoos and no problem with the term “hipster.” i live with my two cats. (yes, i know. three cats denotes “cat lady” status.) this dude from london lives here, too. he’s early 20s, in film school, whatever. neither of us parties. if you don’t, rad. if you do, whatevs, just don’t throw a rager in the crib, nahmsayin?

about you: tbh (to be honest), at this late in the month, i have very few requirements of you. you must be employed (but if you have rich parents, i’m willing to overlook that), you must pay the rent and bills on time each month, you must not be a disgusting pig, you must have a good vibe (not some sketchball that i can’t trust with my cats) and you must leave me the hell alone. i can’t speak for the other roommate, but i’m not looking for a BFF. i just want to come home, cook some tofu and maybe some kale if i can afford it that week, douche around on the internet, and go to sleep. i don’t want to know about your life/your band/your cool website that i have to check out. (i’m exaggerating here. but not by much.)

so the room. it’s on the small side. it’s about 10×10. it fits a bunch of stuff and has a closet. if you were crafty (which no one really seems to be these days), it’d be perfect for lofting a bed. i’m gonna be up front and tell you that it doesn’t have a window. it still gets lots of natural light from the rest of the apartment. these effing windows let in so much light that i practically have to wear sunglasses in the morning. i can barely sleep past 6am, so you over in the back without the window are pretty much lucking out.

straight up, that’s what this room is all about. the apartment effing (i’ve wanted to swear so many times in this g-d ad) rocks, so just come check it out already.

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